tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48280404347508448952024-03-08T10:59:56.676-08:00SAY WHAT YOU SEE®to keep kids in touch with their inner greatnessSandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-55804326766326984202010-08-26T08:36:00.000-07:002010-08-26T08:36:50.640-07:00We have moved!This blog, archives, and the associated videos have moved to my <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/category/blog/say-what-you-see-for-the-child">website</a>. Please come visit me there! - SandySandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-6716135813626060272010-05-03T21:20:00.000-07:002010-05-03T21:20:19.723-07:00Saying the Unsaid<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I volunteer as a "floater" at a local Sunday School. When kids are having a hard time joining in or for some reason are not getting what they need from the class, I get to pop in and support them. Last Sunday I was called into the 4-5 yr old's room, and as always, SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) changed a difficult moment into a rewarding one.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">One little boy was sitting in circle time listening to the teacher with tears in his eyes. Nothing seemed to go his way. Other kids got to hand out the hearts and be the teacher's helper, but today it wasn't his turn. The teacher looked up when I entered the room and mouthed the words, “He’s having a rough day.”</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Two boys playing at the side of the room were called to join in the circle. Our little guy was up in a flash tugging at their shirts to get them to move. I stepped in and said to him:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: You want them to come to the circle where they are supposed to be.</span></blockquote><blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">CAN DO: You can join the circle yourself to show them, or you can come sit at the table with me.</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">One of the two playing boys rejoined the circle, but the other remained. I asked him to find a stopping place. He showed me what he needed to do, finished, and joined the circle. Our little guy came back to the table with me.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Minutes later it was time to turn down the lights for a quick, guided meditation. A child turned off the lights and the teacher lit the candle. Our little guy decided he wanted to blow out the candle at the end, so he rejoined the circle. After the meditation, he blew it out, but several other kids blew with him. He broke into tears and came back to the table with me whining that he wanted to blow out the candle by himself.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Here’s where saying the unsaid makes a big difference. All I said was:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: “You wanted to blow </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">out </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">the candle, but other kids blew it out, too.”</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Child: “And I didn’t get to hand out the hearts or turn off the lights. I don’t want any body else to do anything!”</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: “Just you! You want to do everything yourself!”</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Child: “Yea!”</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Feeling completely heard, he dried his eyes, grabbed a marker, and </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">and happily did a maze. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The teacher looked over at us, astonished at the difference. By the time he finished, circle time was over. He hopped up and wanted me to replace one of the framed pictures in the room with his maze. We stuck it on the wall beside the framed picture, and even though it wasn’t exactly how he wanted it, he shed no tears. He gave me a happy nod and ran off to play, first by himself then with the other kids. </span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">How often do kids get to hear their wants validated, especially when they want something they can’t have? But when you SAY WHAT YOU SEE, especially in the hard moments, saying the unsaid provides the validation kids need to move on.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" />Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-63575450479040038432010-04-15T08:48:00.000-07:002010-04-15T08:54:34.137-07:00Q&A: Incessant Crying<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I just responded to a dad on <a href="http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/11151513/For_the_love_of_god_how_do_I_make_it_stop?email_id=452016542">cafemom.com</a> who asked:</div><blockquote style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My 18 month old cries constantly....about EVERYTHING. If she's hungry and we aren't getting the food to her fast enough, she cries. If I am getting her dressed, she cries. I try to do arts and crafts, playing outside, puzzles, reading books....she cries. I have ruled out any physical and/or health issues so that's not it. It's really wearing on me and I don't know what to do. She doesn't understand time outs and she is barely talking. She only says dada, mama, ball, uh-oh and that's pretty much it. I try to encourage her to use her words to tell me what's wrong and she just cries harder. </blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">My answer:<br />
<br />
Children that age have lots of things they want to tell us but can't. Imagine yourself in her shoes and say what you would need to hear to feel understood <i>if you were her</i>. An emphatic, "You want that, and you don't want to wait!" with a matching pouty face will go much further than pleading with her to use words she doesn't have when you are getting her food or other things ready. Then add what's so like, "It takes a minute, and you want it to be ready <i>now</i>. It seems like you will <i>never</i> get it. Wow! No wonder it's hard to wait!"<br />
<br />
Adding, "There must be something you can do to make waiting more fun. Hmmm..." and making silly suggestions like "You could try a sommersault," or "Here, tear up this napkin. See if that helps," puts you on her side. Suggesting things that are OK with you and return a bit of power to the child can turn the whole thing around and give the child more tools for waiting. When a tiny bit of patience shows up, make a mental note and point it out <b>later</b> when the child is seated with the food and completely calm as in, "You found a way to wait! That shows you have patience!" When kids know they have a strength, they can use it.<br />
<br />
Other times when she cries, she probably doesn't know what's wrong, just that something is, so say that, too as in, "Something is wrong!" or "You didn't like that!" or "That's not what you wanted!" adding a stomp of the foot for emphasis or whatever she does when she is frustrated, like follow-the-leader for a minute. Kids respond to simply being heard in amazing ways.<br />
<br />
Just remember that if something were wrong that was out of your control and nobody around you understood, crying would be exactly the right coping response. When she is done crying, point out how well it worked as in, "You got all that crying out and now you feel better." It might even help you see crying as a healthy outlet for frustration, not a problem you have to solve.<br />
<br />
A free full preview of my little book that tells you how to get more from parenting than just well-behaved kids, <i>SAY WHAT YOU SEE, </i>is posted at <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/">www.languageoflistening.com</a></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-40008334680345098822010-04-05T11:30:00.000-07:002010-04-10T08:30:38.472-07:00Sibling Rivalry<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><blockquote>Child: "You always buy her whatever she wants! You never do that for me! You love her more!"</blockquote>When your child challenges your fairness, remember to to say what the child is feeling without defending your actions. This is harder than it sounds, since we are programmed to defend. But, if a child fusses about unfair treatment and we jump in with all kinds of defenses like, "I bought her those shoes because she needed them," or "The ones you wanted cost too much for our budget," we are in effect validating the problem.<br />
<br />
Instead of searching for proof, jump directly to the heart of the issue. SAY WHAT YOU SEE:<br />
<blockquote>SWYS: "Sounds like you are sure that because I bought her the shoes she wanted I love her more."</blockquote>The core of sibling rivalry is favoritism. Kid's are sure this is real. And here's a funny thing--when we are afraid to voice our children's fears, we validate those same fears. However, when you can address children's fears head on, they feel reassured. It might sound backwards, but it's true; if it's safe to talk about, it must not be that bad. Kids get very nervous when we can't talk about something. A child's unconscious answer to his own question, "Why can't Mom or Dad say that?" or "Why do they need reasons or proof?" is "It must be true."<br />
<br />
If the child's response to your SWYS statement is, "Yes, you do love her more! You even tuck her in first (or other kinds of proof)..." respond by saying what you see the child feeling until the child feels understood:<br />
<blockquote>SWYS: "And you noticed I do that, too. I'll bet you notice a lot of things. Sounds like to you it seems I'm always doing more for her than you, and you feel really sad about that. Sometimes I've even heard you say that you wish she had never been born. Wow, it's got to be really hard for you to feel like your Mom [or Dad] loves your sister more!"</blockquote>Understand that this is a deep sadness that you can't fix by changing your actions, because the problem isn't real in the first place. Since the problem only exists in the child's mind, only the child can fix it. But what you can do is begin building up the child's sense of self by pointing out strength's like:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>STRENGTH: "You've been so brave, feeling all alone and trying to find ways to feel special. And even though you feel jealous, you still find ways to be nice to your little sister sometimes. Just yesterday, I saw you..."</blockquote>And then you carry this out into daily life, and watch for other strengths the child shows as he interacts with little sister while overcoming his fear, remembering that the favoritism issue is real for him.<br />
<br />
Also, know that a child who compares what you buy, or the minutes you spend, or the size of the slice of pizza to prove you love a sibling more, cannot stop comparing. In the case of my older daughter, instead of telling her to stop, we helped her see comparing as one of her strengths and assigned her to be the one to cut cakes, break cookies, pour milk, etc. Because she was so good at getting things exactly the same, she became our expert comparer and is still the best at dividing things up. The difference is that she is now proud of it instead of embarrassed by it.<br />
<br />
One other point here: Check to see that you don't believe you love one child more than the other. If you believe you do, you will find yourself constantly trying to make up for the disparity and your children will pick up on that for sure. They have radars for guilt. <br />
<br />
Before you give in to your guilt, consider this. Even if one child is easier for you to enjoy than another (which is true for most parents), and whether or not you realize you love both (or all), and whether or not your parental love registers as an emotion, I still believe that you do love your children. Love is why you even care whether or not they feel loved; and love is what drives you to read articles like this in search of ways to reconnect.</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-5724755535542423642010-02-16T14:14:00.000-08:002010-02-16T15:08:49.735-08:00No More Lies<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">A common problem for parents of preschoolers is what to do when they tell a lie. A recent book, <i>Nurture Shock</i> adds fuel to the fire by saying that all children lie. While this may be statistically true, it's not a very empowering view for parents or children. Try this one instead:</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Children turn to lies when they don't have any other way to get what they want or need. But when they know we will help them (without giving up our boundaries), <b>they don't lie</b>. When lying has begun, you can reverse it by helping kids see why they would lie and by giving them an alternative approach.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Little kids are honest to a fault. When asked why they lie to get something, most little children will tell you, "I really wanted it!" It seems plain as day to them. Why else would an honest kid tell a story to get something?<br />
<br />
Rather than asking a young child, "Why did you lie?" which leaves the child feeling dishonest, it's up to the parent to help the child find out why an honest kid would feel he or she needed to. When you look at what led up to the lie, there's a good chance that the child had already exhausted all the honest alternatives but none had worked. After asking directly, the child had probably even tried switching the words "I want it," to "I need it," and it still didn't work. After trying these approaches time and time again, what else is a kid to do?<br />
<br />
They really don't know, so it is up to us to give them some honest alternatives. <b>Basically, a child lying is a parent's cue to help brainstorm some honest solutions. </b></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SAYing WHAT YOU SEE openly and honestly without negative judgment, setting a boundary and offering a CAN DO would sound like this:<br />
<blockquote>SWYS: "You really wanted that and nothing you said or did worked, so you found something that did."<br />
<br />
CAN DO: "Making up a story about what you did is not OK with me, but there must be something you can do that is." </blockquote></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Now you brainstorm honest alternatives. For instance, if the rule is one snack a day, and the child wants two, rather than tell you she hadn't had one yet, she could ask for seconds. If seconds are not OK with you today, find a day when they would be OK, or make a special day once a month like "Two-Snack Day." If it's never OK to have 2 snacks, grant her wish in fantasy as in, "You want two today really badly, and you can only have one. Rats! You wish you could have two every day, or even three or four...snacks every where you turn, any time you want, a whole room full of snacks, sweet ones, chocolate ones, crunchy ones, blue ones, orange ones. I know! You can pretend they are everywhere and eat them all!"<br />
<br />
By now little ones usually join in, add their own ideas, and keep pretending until they are done. Brainstorming with a child even in pretend shows the child you understand how much she wants something and that it's OK to want it, which believe it or not, is really the point anyway.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">A little known truth is that <b>kids must continue to communicate until they are heard</b>. Understanding gets them heard and keeps them from needing to lie in the first place.</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">There's lots more about CAN DOs in the little <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html">SAY WHAT YOU SEE handbook</a> posted online in full. It's a quick read and a simple approach for parents who want more from parenting than just well-behaved kids.</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-27407898772313559762010-02-07T13:25:00.000-08:002010-02-07T13:25:58.196-08:00Blogger Reviews SAY WHAT YOU SEE Handbook<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I'm so honored! I just found out my SAY WHAT YOU SEE for Parents and Teachers handbook got a great review on a mommy blog in January 2010: <a href="http://attachmentmama.com/2010/01/excellent-tools-for-maintaining-consistent-respect-for-our-children-in-blackards-say-what-you-see/comment-page-1/#comment-150">attachmentmama.com </a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
<br />
Thank you, Monica!</span></div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-63395877633670084042010-01-07T19:03:00.000-08:002010-01-07T19:03:40.879-08:00When Needs Appear to Conflict<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b>"How can I provide the support and attention my three-year old needs from me and help him to be more independent at the same time?"</b> is a </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">question that many parents face. (See Aceiatx's question in comment #1 on <a href="http://saywhatyouseeblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/can-dos-work-for-all-ages.html">CAN DOs Work for All Ages</a>) </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The short answer is: <b>Provide support and attention when it's OK with you, and model independence when it's not. </b></span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: "You are done eating and want me to play with you right now, and I need 5 more minutes to eat. Waiting is hard for you."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">CAN DO: "Must be something you can do so I can finish eating on my own and come play with you."</span><br />
</blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The child can come up with something to do to make waiting more fun, or you can change <i>when</i> the child waits. For instance:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">CAN DO: "You can start eating after I do so that we finish at the same time."</span><br />
</blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Then after the child has shown patience or independence while you eat, point that out when you join him in play:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">STRENGTH: "You played by yourself while Mommy was eating. That shows you are independent."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">or</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">STRENGTH: "You waited for five minutes while Mommy was eating. That shows you have patience."</span><br />
</blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The trick here is setting your boundary of finishing your dinner and sticking to it. That is one way of modeling healthy independence that sends the message to your child that he is OK on his own for a while, too.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b>CAN DOs give you a way to meet your child's needs </b><i><b>within your boundaries</b></i>. Children have three basic needs: experience, connection and power. To know which CAN DOs will work, look for the need. Your biggest clue to the need is what the child is already doing. For instance, the goal of whining and demanding, even at a low level, is control. That points to a need for personal power and explains why support and attention may not be enough and why the Mommy-time children crave often gets pushed beyond connection toward control.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">To give a child permission to experience his personal power, you have to give it to yourself first. This is big. The importance of clean, clear, feel-good-about-yourself-boundary setting should not be underestimated in raising kids to be able to do the same. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Meanwhile, since self-control and self-determination are the root of all power in our lives (not control of others), that is the direction to go with your CAN DOs. You decide what you will do, and he can decide what he will do inside <b>your</b> boundaries until he is old enough to set boundaries for himself.<br />
</span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-35985523849816456562010-01-04T10:55:00.000-08:002010-01-04T11:33:00.224-08:00CAN DOs Work for All Ages<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">You don’t have to psychoanalyze your child to offer CAN DOs. Just ask yourself, “What else would work?”<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">For a <b>young child breaking things</b>, you might try: “You can build a block tower and knock it down,” “You can stomp some bubble-wrap,” “You can stomp on this shoe box or tear up this cardboard tube,” “You can flatten some cans.” You can probably think of many more depending on exactly what you see the child doing.<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">That’s why objectively SAYing WHAT YOU SEE is such a great place to start. When you say, “That came apart,” “You smashed that,” or “That made a loud sound,” the rest is much easier. You can state the boundary, “That’s not for breaking,” and add the CAN DO; or if the child already knows the boundary, go straight to the CAN DO.<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">CAN DOs arise from neutral observation. You simply try to match the child’s experience in a more acceptable way as in, “What can the child break that's OK with me?” Certainly it needs to be something that requires force. That alone tells us something about the need since force communicates, “I was here! I made something happen! I have power over my world!” Seeing the child’s perspective reveals the child’s need.<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">By putting yourself in the child’s place you can almost feel the need. The trick is often in giving yourself permission to feel it. The more you allow yourself to feel those childhood feelings, the better you will be at figuring out the “need.” If the CAN DO works, you got it; if it doesn’t, try again, or better yet, turn it over the the child with the empowering phrase, "Must be something you can do!"<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">When kids learn the CAN DO pattern, they come up with their own CAN DOs. When my niece was two, her mother had been bitten by a brown recluse spider and had gotten extremely sick, so the child was very afraid of spiders. Having learned the CAN DO pattern, when she saw a spider on the sidewalk she didn’t scream to crush it. Instead, she said, “Spider, you no bite my mommy. You can eat the grass!” By the age of five, she was still using CAN DOs naturally. When she saw me fussing at her dog who was digging in my garden, she came up and said, “Where can she dig?”<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">From these real life examples, it’s not too hard to imagine an <b>elementary school child</b> who wants to break something coming up with a CAN DO like, “I could build a balsa wood tower and crush it with my bare hands!” Just the thought of it might do the trick. If not, what a great project for a kid who feels he always has to be careful -- you don’t need to be careful with something you are going to break! Besides all the other great STRENGTHS you will see along the way as he constructs the tower, in the end when he crushes it and you see the satisfaction on his face, you can add the STRENGTH, “You found a healthy way to get your strong feelings out.” <br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">CAN DOs apply to <b>teens</b> as well. I remember one mother's CAN DO for her 16 year-old son who had recently gotten his license. She had approved his plans for driving his date to a neighborhood restaurant then on to a school dance, but at the last minute he and his date were invited to join a group of friends at a different restaurant farther away. The problem was that it required him to drive on the interstate. He was sure he was ready, but Mom was not. She offered this CAN DO instead, “Dinner with friends sounds great. Must be some way you can eat with them without driving on the interstate. Hmmm... You can ask them to join you at the local restaurant or I can drive you to the other one.” Her son and his date rode in the back seat to join their friends at the restaurant on the interstate. Mom waited in the car reading a book, drove them home, and gave them the car to go on to the dance.<br />
<br />
CAN DO opportunities are endless. What CAN DOs have you offered? What CAN DOs have your kids come up with for themselves?<br />
</div>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-84712877663424971682009-12-07T12:44:00.000-08:002009-12-07T12:44:42.115-08:00Childhood Beliefs & Questions<blockquote style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Child: "Mom, if I ask you a question will you tell me the truth?"<br />
Mom: "Sure."<br />
Child (very seriously): "But Mom, I really want you to tell me the truth. Will you tell me the truth?"<br />
Mom (puzzled): "Of course."<br />
Child (urgent): "But do you promise? You have to promise to tell me the truth."<br />
By now Mom was starting to wonder what this question was--sex, drugs or what?<br />
Mom (nervously): "OK. I promise."<br />
Child (agitated): "You have to tell me the truth. You really have to tell me the truth! Is there a Santa or not."<br />
Mom (surprised), "And you really want to know the truth? The real truth?"<br />
Child (bravely): "Yes."<br />
Mom (tentatively): "OK. The truth is no, there is no Santa."<br />
Child (bursting into tears): "But you said you would tell me the truth! You promised!"<br />
</blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">This story was told to me by my Language of Listening partner Eva about her nephew when he was 9. His mom answered as most parents would, but it turned out that her son had his own ideas and, despite the questions, was not ready to hear anything else. This is true for most kids, so it behooves us to find out what their ideas are first before sharing ours.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">But when we get caught up in answering like this mom did, where to go from there? SAY WHAT YOU SEE and add a STRENGTH.</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: "You didn't like that answer." </span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">STRENGTH: "That tells me you know what is true for you already. What you believe about Santa is what matters, not what I think."</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SAYing WHAT YOU SEE to his question about Santa in the first place would have sounded more like this:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: "Hmmm. Santa yes or no is a really important question to you. You want to get it right but sound a bit worried about the answer. You really want it to be yes." </span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">If his eyes light up at the possibility, or even if he nods sadly, a conversation that puts him back in touch with his own beliefs is the way to go. It might sound like this.</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: "You don't like the idea of no Santa. You like the magic of flying reindeer and listening for sleigh bells on the roof top as you fall asleep Christmas Eve (or other favorite details). I'll bet there's even more than that you like about Santa."</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Listen to whatever details the child adds and go from there, or if he is silent, just add:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: "Sounds like you'll never want to give that up."</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">A child who wants to believe in Santa will probably agree and drop it. However, if the child presses you for a final yes or no, you can follow the approach my kids liked and that my sister used when her daughter was 8 that keeps the ball in their court:</span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Child: “The kids at school say their parents put the gifts under the tree at night, not Santa. Which is it?” </span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Mom: "If kids believe it's their parents, for them it is; if you believe it's Santa, for you it is.” </span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It helps to remember that these types of questions are the children trying to decide what they believe. So to allow them explore their beliefs at their own pace, return the lead by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Here's my niece's question this year and a possible response: </span><br />
<blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Child (concerned): "My friend said there's no Santa. She <i>saw</i> her parents wrapping her presents and signing them 'From Santa.' Do you and Dad do that?"</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SWYS: "Sounds like you think if kids' parents wrap and sign Santa's name on the presents, there can't be a Santa...and you wouldn't like that."</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /></blockquote><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">SAYing WHAT YOU SEE in this and other cases like, “You’re wondering how Santa will find you at Grandma’s,” or “You noticed that there is more than one Santa,” gives children a chance to answer the question themselves. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Depending on what my niece wants to believe this year, she'll find an explanation that works for her. Maybe her friend's parents were asked to be Santa's helpers. Who knows?</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Kids can explain away anything if they want to. For example, upon seeing a magical moment in a movie where a wall transforms into a fireplace, one little boy looking for an explanation exclaimed with delight, “So that’s how he does it!” Upon seeing Santa riding in a horse-drawn carriage instead of a sleigh, another little girl calmly said, "Daddy, Santa will be late delivering the gifts this year, because horses can't fly!" Clearly these children want to believe in Santa. </span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Even when you try to avoid the whole issue by telling kids the "facts" from the start, it can backfire. One parent shared that she had always told her son the gifts came from people in his family to show their love. Although it’s a wonderful explanation, it wasn’t what the child wanted to believe. As he got older and heard more from other kids, he wanted his gifts to be from Santa, too. Mom offered to pretend, but that wasn’t good enough because calling it pretend meant it wasn’t real. Turns out that reframing it as a game and allowing the child to make up rules like, “Santa is real this year, OK?” did.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">In the child’s world, physical reality is all there is. Everything is "real." Questioning symbols like Santa indicates a readiness to separate </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">the story of Santa from the </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">"real" concepts of love and generosity it symbolizes</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">. But the transition from physical to conceptual thinking doesn't happen all at once, so neither should the separation. That's why the best thing we can do is SAY WHAT WE SEE and allow our children to make the separation at their own pace.</span> <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">When the magic of Santa shifts into the magic of love and generosity, the magic of the holiday season remains unchanged.</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Warmest holiday wishes to you all!</span><br style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;" />Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-26131669709683014752009-11-23T14:35:00.000-08:002009-11-23T20:13:30.922-08:00Preschool Power Struggles<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">A preschool teacher posted her power struggle dilemma on a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reggio_Emilia_approach">Reggio Emilia</a> discussion list. Here's her question and my response:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ></span><blockquote><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" > <blockquote></blockquote>Q: HELP! Today was the day for power struggles all around, I swear it's contagious. Either that, or they picked up on the fact that I had no sleep last night & was nearly incoherent--hate how well kids can read your current physiological state.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Our #1 power struggle has been consistent with one child, though it was much worse today. He does fine throughout our work periods, plenty of energy (all boy, of course), but the moment it's time to clean up he suddenly becomes very VERY tired and can't possibly help clean up. I've been focusing on giving him very specific, simple tasks so it's not overwhelming (ie. pick up 5 blocks, then you can go take a rest) but even that is too much for him. Today I asked him to take his shoes out of the middle of the floor & put them in the shoe basket, where they should have been in the first place. He plopped himself down on the floor & flat out refused. I tried everything short of time out (pat myself on the back for that because I was SO ready to go there!) with no reponse. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Finally, I asked him to select another task--which he did, but then refused to follow through with, and I let him know that he could choose to do it today during clean up or tomorrow during our work period. Of course he didn't do it, and the mean teacher (me) threw the toys BACK on the floor after picking them up to vacuum so he can clean it up tomorrow. That's as close to following through with a "negative consequence" as I am willing to go, and if he refuses that I don't know what to try next.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >#2 Power Struggle: We've also been having group time woes still--I decided against making it a requirement, but now when those children who choose to participate come to the group area the others mingle around the outside rough housing, throwing blocks, and just creating chaos in general--which obviously isn't fair to those who *are* choosing to participate. I'm starting to second guess myself on that one, I'm thinking I will go back to a 'mandatory' 10-15 minute group discussion at the beginning of the day.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >I swear they are doing this because they know we have families coming in for trial days the next two sessions, I am totally dreading tomorrow. We *have* to fill at least two more slots in my classgroup, perhaps they are picking up on that stress?</span></blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">A: </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">You are right. Kids read us far better than we read them. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">#1. Putting Away Toys: </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One thing I noticed in your description of the first child’s resistance was that he was able to participate throughout the work periods, and briefly again later in <span style="font-style: italic;">selecting</span> another task. His shut down seemed to occur when you gave him specific direction, which he read as control. It seemed the more control you asserted, the more stubborn he got, and the power struggle was on. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">To reverse a power struggle, you have to somehow get on the child’s side. To prevent its recurrence, you need to reconnect the child with his natural sense of cooperation. The simplest way to do this is to SAY WHAT YOU SEE, Add STRENGTHs and offer CAN DOs. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SAYing WHAT YOU SEE in the form of an objective observation pops you out of your perspective into the present moment with the child. From this neutral middle ground, you can more easily step into the child’s perspective, show him his hidden STRENGTHs, and support him in problem-solving with CAN DOs.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In the scene you described, my guess is that the boy was feeling a lot like you were feeling–-tired and in need of regenerating a sense of personal power. His feigned need “tired” was his way of telling you his real need was “power.” </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If you had been able to sit with him for a moment, objectively observe the scattered blocks together, and then comment on how huge any task appears when you are tired, you would’ve taken a huge step toward building a connection with the child and comforting yourself. You would be making both yourself and the child right at the same time, which is the first step in shifting a power struggle into cooperation.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SAYing WHAT YOU SEE might’ve sounded like, “Wow! Look at all those blocks! There’s one way over there, and one, two, three in a pile there. And there’s more there. And look at that. Your arm is so tired you can hardly lift it. This is a <span style="font-style: italic;">daunting</span> task! (Kids like big words.) And somehow all of these blocks have to be put away. Hmmmm. That’s a tough one.” </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As you step into the tired child’s perspective and ponder the overwhelming task together, listen for any type of connection or cooperation he shows like demonstrating how tired his legs are, too, or pointing out the blocks you missed, or joining in the count, etc. To deepen the connection and build his sense of personal power, point out any STRENGTHs he demonstrates along the way like, “You spotted that one over there,” or “Looks like you kept track of all the blocks, even when they were scattered,” or “You found every one,” or “You knew what color that one was,” or “You just counted to four,” etc. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When you begin to hear some level of cooperation, you can shift into problem solving with a CAN DO like, “It seems like an impossible task to get all of them put away with arms that are too tired to lift and legs that are too tired to run, but hmmmm, must be some way to get that done so you can finally get to rest.”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If he doesn’t answer right away, get ready to initiate some imaginative problem solving with a fun or silly suggestion like, “Maybe your eyes still work. You could try looking at them really hard and seeing if you can move them with your eyes.” If he shakes his head or says that’s silly, point out the STRENGTH, “You knew that wouldn’t work.” Then try again, “Well, hmmm, maybe your nose then. You might be able to scoot them into a pile with your nose like a dog…” by now most kids will either try your CAN DO or start coming up with some of their own.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Play along with whatever he decides. Even if you have to attend to something else and come back, stay engaged with him and keep pointing out his STRENGTHs. If he just can’t do it at all or asks for help, go with that. “You just can’t find a way to do it yourself. Wow, you are tired! But, even though your body is too tired, your brain still figured out a way to get the job done – asking for help! That shows clear thinking!”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Calling for volunteers feels very supportive for kids and helps build a sense of community in the classroom. In addition, the boy could participate by “using his brain” to direct the clean-up like a Simon Says game or something else that would build his power in a way that’s OK with you. At the conclusion, you would be able to SAY WHAT YOU SEE and point out the STRENGTH “cooperation” that you just saw demonstrated by him and the others working together to get the task done.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Some teachers worry that meeting one child’s needs will cause other children to copy the same behavior, but what actually happens is that it simply makes the classroom emotionally safer for all of the kids. Fewer feigned complaints and more cooperation are the results.</span><br /></blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">#2. Group Participation: </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Because children act according to who they believe they are, shifting beliefs, shifts behaviors permanently. Providing children with moments of success connects them with their STRENGTHs as you are doing by limiting group time to 10-15 minutes. But as you noted, group participation of this type works for many preschoolers, but not all. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It seems that some children feel like they disappear when they join into a group, so asking them to sit and do what the rest of the children are doing won’t work. To provide those children with success in participation, you can find participation in what they are already doing by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE and pointing out that STRENGTH. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For example, to the child throwing blocks outside the circle you could SAY WHAT YOU SEE and add a STRENGTH like this, “You’re throwing blocks over there and everybody is hearing you. That’s your way of participating separately. You are doing something on your own that includes the rest of the class!” Similarly, you could point out to the wrestling kids that they enjoy participating with each other. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Changing group time from discussion time into more of a “circus” time for a while where the children get to perform separately or together might be a good CAN DO for reengaging kids who are more active than verbal. That way even the more active children could hear the STRENGTH participation and begin to see it in themselves, as in, “You just jumped up and down for the other children (or you two just showed us arm wrestling). That’s how you like to participate!” </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When children experience participation in a way that works for them, they begin to see themselves as part of the group instead of as outsiders. It’s this shift in belief that allows children to join in willingly.</span><br /></blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So many possibilities open up when you reverse power struggles by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, find STRENGTHs where there didn’t seem to be any, and offer CAN DOs instead of control. Imagine the warm and fuzzy impression these types of interactions would make on visiting parents. But best of all, imagine the difference they would make in children’s lives!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If you’d like to learn more about using SAY WHAT YOU SEE to bring out the greatness in children and open possibilities for them in life, the little handbook is posted in full online at <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html">www.languageoflistening.com</a>.</span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-63592925470023189942009-11-01T14:24:00.000-08:002009-11-01T14:35:46.786-08:00Preteen Attitude<!--[if !mso]> <style> v\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} o\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} w\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} .shape {behavior:url(#default#VML);} </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:donotoptimizeforbrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} a:link, span.MsoHyperlink {color:blue; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:purple; text-decoration:underline; text-underline:single;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">I just responded to a parent on <a href="http://www.momconnect.com/">MomConnect.com</a> who asked: <strong></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"...My daughter is 11 we to have separate families her father and I separated when she was very young. I am now married with two other children ages 6 and 1. At my house we have rules and we have guidelines we have stability. At her father's house it is really no rules single bachelor dad. Where she pretty much has free to everything and anything. And she pretty much is taking on the role of taking care of him. In her eyes her dad could do no wrong he is her everything. And when she looks at me I am just evil! I tell her what to do! I make her clean her room etc. I know that what I am doing is allowing her to be a child and trying to do the best that I can to show her boundaries. How to learn to not take her attitude toward me so personally and let it hurt me so bad? I don't think that how things are in her dad's home are wrong they are just different but she seems to think that my household is bad she should have free to all..."</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">My Answer:<br /><br />You are obviously concerned and want to do the right thing for your daughter, no matter what. That is bold parenting! And you can do it much more easily when you see the world from the child's point of view first.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">You have a child who has the unfortunate role of taking care of an adult and setting her own boundaries during childhood. The more you are able to step inside of her shoes, the better the connection between the two of you will become, and the more she will be able to be a kid and listen to you.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Imagine having to be a responsible adult at age 11, and you don't know how, but you know you have to succeed no matter what! (Wow! Big challenges!) Plus your mom has two more kids who don't have to deal with what you have to deal with in life. You would probably be sure no one really understands--thus the attitude.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">You would certainly have to become independent and self-directed to the extreme because your reality is that you have to make all of your decisions on your own. With that kind of pressure, you could not afford to be wrong.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">You are right that allowing her to be a child again is what she needs, but very hard to do when her great work in life right now is to be something she is afraid she cannot be--an adult.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">If you acknowledge her need to be treated like an adult, her resistance to being mothered will begin to drop off. You can start by really listening openly to her feelings about the differences between your households and validating her experience at her dad's. (Yes, put your feelings aside for this part.) Then point out the strengths she's developed like self-directed and independent (even though they often don't seem like strengths at your house). In understanding that she's right to feel what she feels, you will rebuild the missing connection between you based on respecting how things are for her now. You create respect, by modeling respect.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Then you can honestly share your feelings and even your distress over how things have gone for her, state the boundaries at your house (I'm the Mom here and will model how it's done, so it will be easier for you to do at Dad's), then inside your boundaries work together to create the kind of experience she needs to succeed at your house and his. Be sure to point out her strengths and cooperation whenever they show up.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Trying to help her be a child when she thinks she can't afford to be, will only build resistance and attitude. Listening and supporting her in mastering the challenge in front of her will help her see that you are on her side and prepare her to handle anything life dishes out. Isn't that the job of mothering anyway?<o:p></o:p></span></p>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-11618514791400978552009-09-25T09:22:00.000-07:002009-09-25T13:57:30.585-07:00Grabbing Glasses Off Your Face a la Alfie Kohn<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There has been a flurry of blog activity on NY Times </span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/24/punishing-children-with-love/#comment-96029">Motherload</a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> following a Sept 15 NY TImes <a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/conditional.htm">article by </a><a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/conditional.htm">Alfie Kohn</a>, author of </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Unconditional Parenting</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">. I want to reach Mr. Kohn. Any suggestions would be welcome.<br /><br />You can help by posting a quick comment about SWYS on Motherload with a link to my website: http:www.languageoflistening.com<br /><br />The world and Mr. Kohn need to know about the simplicity of SWYS.</span> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Thanks - Sandy</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Grabbing Glasses Example</span>: Here's the example I posted (<a href="http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/24/punishing-children-with-love/?emc=eta1&apage=5#comment-96029">comment #122</a>) in response to another parent's comment (#108) that read: "Yeah this will totally work with my 10 month old when she yanks my hair or rips my glasses off my face and flings them to the ground..."</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">:</span><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When your 10 month old reaches for your glasses to throw say: "You want to throw! Here's bunny. Throw that!" (Point where it's OK with you to throw it.)<br /><br />Said with excitement in your voice to match the child's, even a 10 month old will get that you are on his/her side. If you can find something that clatters when it falls, even better. The closer you match what I call the CAN DO to the child's initial action, the more successful you will be at shifting the behavior into something that works for you both. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For example, if the child's intent was more about grabbing something off your face, as silly as it sounds, put something on your face the child can grab & throw ( a little plastic toy that will clatter when it's thrown, or a washcloth which would add the beloved hide & seek game to the play?) and respond with enthusiasm to match the child's when he/she grabs and throws that instead. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Provide the CAN DO a few times and the child will learn the pattern of what's OK with you without punishment or reward.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If the child looks pleased with the throw, you get to add the STRENGTH, "You threw that just the way you wanted to!" Then as your child grows, you can continue to point out fact-based STRENGTHs (NOT opinion-based praise) to help him see his strengths like, "You looked first then threw! That shows you are careful!" </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Since children act according to who they believe they are, shifting beliefs permanently shifts behaviors. No punishment, no rewards. Again, just like Mr. Kohn says.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Kohn, Faber & Mazlish, Ginott and I all come from the same place; the difference is that I am a parent, not a psychologist, so I simplified it into a how-to that even I can do. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It has turned out to be the basic 3 steps everyone is asking for. It is always right for the moment and for every child because what you say basically comes from the child. And it always starts with the same thing: SAY WHAT YOU SEE (objective observation).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SAY WHAT YOU SEE (not what you think) to connect and validate;</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">See something you like, add a STRENGTH;</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">See something you don't like, offer a CAN DO.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I posted the little SAY WHAT YOU SEE handbook in full on my website to share with other parents around the world, and I invite your readers to take a look at it. Quick read.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As it turns out psychologists love it. Every time I teach it, parents' jaws drop and they say in amazement, "It can't be that easy!" I would love for Mr. Kohn to see it. It completely supports what he and other great psychologists like him have been trying to tell us all along. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Bottom line, it works.</span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html</span></a><br /></blockquote><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-83329593769984659482009-09-22T21:14:00.000-07:002009-09-22T21:32:10.449-07:00Stinkin' Veggies!<span style="font-family:arial;">An Austin Journalist, Martha Wood, interviewed me a couple of weeks back for an attachment parenting article on SAY WHAT YOU SEE for an </span><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.examiner.com/x-22819-Austin-Attachment-Parenting-Examiner%7Ey2009m9d14-Parenting-coach-teaches-parents-how-to-simplify-communication-with-kids">internet article</a><span style="font-family:arial;">. In a subsequent blog, she was explaining to her readers how to use SWYS in the case of a child not wanting to eat cauliflower. I expanded on her entry here:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The purpose of SAYing WHAT YOU SEE is to leave children truly feeling understood so they have no need to defend their position, in this case, their tastes. Once children know you understand, you can go on to problem-solving with CAN DOs. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">SWYS: "You really don't like that cauliflower! It tastes bad and smells yucky! You don't even want it in the same room with you, and there it is, sitting right there on your plate. And on top of that, somehow you have to find a way to eat it! Man!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">CAN DO: "Hmmm. Must be somewhere I can put it while you figure out a way to eat it without having to taste or smell it."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I don't know how it would work on cauliflower, but my daughter ate her broccoli with ketchup on it for years. It worked for her because she was the one who came up with the solution.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Check your boundaries, then let the child problem-solve to come up with solutions that work for you both. In the example of a distasteful vegetable, could you offer 2 veggie choices at each meal? Or maybe a special veggie-free day each week or month to celebrate your child's other tastes? CAN DO problem-solving at mealtime can take the power struggles out of the kitchen. CAN DOs all the time can take the power struggles out of your life.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">FYI: While it has the same roots as Ginott, etc, the SWYS approach is unique in it's simplicity: starting with SWYS (the same thing) every time, finding STRENGTHs in EVERYTHING your kids do (no kidding), and giving you a way to be on your child's side in problem solving with CAN DOs. No rewards or punishment; just pointing out your child's greatness and opening up possibilities. What guidance could be better than that?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Plus, the SWYS approach makes all other relationship-based parent training more accessible. The greats like Ginott, Faber/Mazlish, Kohn, etc. have got the theory; we've got the simple how-to.</span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-49947716077263464362009-09-17T10:25:00.000-07:002009-09-22T21:34:10.802-07:00Q&A: Cheating Solution<span style="font-family:arial;">I just responded to a parent on <a href="http://www.MomConnect.com">MomConnect.com</a> who asked:<br /><br />"My 10 year old daughter is in the Kumon math program and we just found out she has been cheating, she was trusted with the answer book and took advantage of it...how do I punish her for it?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">My answer:<br /><br />Here's a new way to look at it. Cheating, like all behaviors, is actually driven by healthy needs. When you step back and look at what this action is telling you, you can respond differently.<br /><br />Your surprise at her cheating tells me she is an honest child, and honesty is already important to her. She has already learned that from you, so pat yourself on the back!<br /><br />Understanding is actually what is needed to keep her on that track. So ask yourself, "What would drive an honest child to cheat?" Pressure to do better than she thinks she could on her own? Not enough time for friends and other things that are important to her?<br /><br />Whatever it is, understanding it will allow you to work with her to help her find a way to allow her to meet her needs, excel at math, and continue to be the honest kid she already is.<br /><br />Win - win.<br /><br />And best of all, you will be using this challenging moment to build trust that will strengthen your relationship with your daughter.</span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-69896197862881335492009-08-19T08:06:00.000-07:002009-09-06T13:00:13.493-07:00Children Don't Back Away; They Back Up for a Running Leap<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:donotoptimizeforbrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Verdana"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Verdana";} p.MsoBodyText, li.MsoBodyText, div.MsoBodyText {margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Arial; mso-fareast-font-family:"Verdana";} p.MsoBodyTextIndent, li.MsoBodyTextIndent, div.MsoBodyTextIndent {margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:1.0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; text-indent:-1.0in; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Verdana"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Verdana";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --></style><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" > <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">You’re in the park with your two children watching the water trickling along a small stream.<span style=""> </span>Your toddler’s eyes gleam as you take his hands and jump him over it.<span style=""> </span>“Again, again!” he cries completely delighted with his success.<span style=""> </span>Meanwhile, your kindergarten daughter sees a wider place downstream, backs way up to take a running leap, and...</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Where do they learn that?<span style=""> </span>Children seem to innately know that backing up builds up steam.<span style=""> </span>The bigger the challenge, the further they back up; and they only run forward when they think they <u>can</u> succeed. Kids are wired for success.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">So there she goes, up, over and plunk.<span style=""> </span>Into the mud – muddy shoes, muddy knees, muddy hands.<span style=""> </span>She looks up at you and starts to cry.<span style=""> </span>What do you say?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A cautious parent who thinks the child shouldn’t have tried in the first place might say, “Now look what you‘ve done.<span style=""> </span>You’re a mess.<span style=""> </span>You should’ve known better.”<span style=""> </span>A “get back on your horse” parent who thinks the child might give up will say, “Stop crying.<span style=""> </span>You’re not hurt.<span style=""> </span>Wipe off your hands and try again.<span style=""> </span>Go on; you can do it.”</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The missing element in both of these responses is what the child thinks.<span style=""> </span>If the child thinks she can, and you say she can’t, she is likely to rebel with a reckless, “I’ll show you!”<span style=""> </span>Or if she thinks she can’t, and you make her try, she is likely to show you with a, “See, I can’t either!” kind of attempt.<span style=""> </span>She has to because children must communicate what they think and feel until they are heard.<span style=""> </span>That’s why following the child’s lead and saying what you see is always the right choice.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">It’s easy to do when you understand the running leap theory.<span style=""> T</span>hink about what kids do when we are not around.<span style=""> </span>They try to wipe off the mud on their own (evidence muddy shirts and pant legs), cry until they are done, then start looking for something to do to make themselves feel better.<span style=""> </span>Making oneself feel better is the first step in building up steam for the next try.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">What if you knew that even crying is the child’s way of beginning to build up steam for the next running leap?<span style=""> </span>If you did, it would be much easier to SAY WHAT YOU SEE like:<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">SWYS:<span style=""> </span>“You’re crying.<span style=""> </span>You really wanted to do that.<span style=""> </span>You backed way up and tried really hard, then plop.<span style=""> </span>Right in the mud.<span style=""> </span>You didn’t like that at all.<span style=""> </span>You were surprised at first, then disappointed.<span style=""> </span>Now you’re sooo sad.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Child:<span style=""> </span>“I can’t do it!”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">SWYS:<span style=""> </span>“You really wanted to jump that part of the stream, and it didn’t work.<span style=""> </span>That’s really frustrating!<span style=""> </span>You wish you could just sail right over it, then off you’d go to do it again, and again!”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Even an, “I can’t do it,” won’t ruffle you, as long as you know that tears and verbalizing fears are important ways to release frustration.<span style=""> </span>The freedom to say, “I can’t do it,” allows kids to try again.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Children innately know this.They all do it.<span style=""> </span>Release is the first step in recharging for the next attempt.<span style=""> </span>So there it is; without any prodding, from the very moment of incomplete success, the child begins “backing up” to build up steam.<span style=""> </span>SAYing WHAT YOU SEE merely speeds them on their way.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The next thing children often do is replay thoughts of the jump going right.<span style=""> </span>Saying what the child wishes as above helps them along.<span style=""> </span>Visualizing success as wishes is another version of “Again, again!”<span style=""> that adds more</span> steam.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Children also replay past successes in thoughts, stories or actions; switch to another task or game<span style=""> </span>they are good at; or take smaller challenges they know they can master – over and over.<span style=""> </span>This is not avoidance; it is the child setting exactly the right level of challenge for success. Again, children innately know that success is the best steam of all. <span style="">The greater the challenge, the more steam they need. </span>When children experience enough success, they raise the bar on their own.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Knowing this, you can be confident your daughter is on the right track.<span style=""> </span>When you are coming from a place of confidence, you can dry her eyes, say what you see, and watch with anticipation for what she will do next.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">And there it is</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> – </span><span style="font-size:100%;">the first step back.<span style=""> </span>She goes over to the trickle and tries to show her little brother how it’s done.<span style=""> </span>In teaching him how to back up first to build up steam, she is doing it herself.<span style=""> </span>Over and over, she’s recharging her confidence.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">When we follow their lead, children naturally combine the two approaches of caution and “get back on the horse” at a pace that is right for them.<span style=""> </span>They increase the speed themselves when you SAY WHAT YOU SEE:<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">SWYS:<span style=""> </span>“You’re jumping over that part of the stream; showing your little brother how it’s done.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">STRENGTH:“You know backing up first and taking a running leap sends you further.<span style=""> </span>Look at you go!<span style=""> </span>You jumped it again and again landing solidly on your feet.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Child:<span style=""> </span>“But this one’s easy.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">SWYS:<span style=""> </span>“Sounds like you comparing this jump to the big one.<span style=""> </span>You’re wishing the big one would be easy like this one.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Child:<span style=""> </span>“Yea.<span style=""> </span>The big one has muddy sides.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">STRENGTH:“So you already figured out the difference.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Child:<span style=""> </span>“Next time, I think I need to run faster and jump higher. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -1in;font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">CAN DO:<span style=""> </span>“That’s an idea.<span style=""> </span>You can test it out over here where it’s drier.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Once children begin thinking of ways to make something work, it’s just a matter of time until they try again.<span style=""> </span>SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, adding STRENGTHs and offering CAN DOs propels them forward.<span style=""> </span>Then before you know it, whether it’s this visit to the park or the next, you can count on them returning to the big leap without any prodding at all.<span style=""> </span>They have to.<span style=""> </span>They’re wired for success.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Note from the author: The little SAY WHAT YOU SEE</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> handbook is posted in full on my <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/">website</a>. My intention is to share with the world eye-opening concepts like these that lead you from traditional listening to a deeper listening that starts with your eyes and ends with your heart.<span style=""> </span>SAY WHAT YOU SEE</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> is a simple, down-to-earth approach that changes every moment with a child into a rewarding one.<span style=""> </span>By reading the handbook and passing it on to others with children in their lives, you are helping me change the world for all children, one family at a time.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> Sandy<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><br /></span></p><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:11;" ></span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-88634053392913080662009-07-28T08:03:00.000-07:002009-07-28T08:30:33.137-07:00Story of SAY WHAT YOU SEE<span style="font-family:verdana;">Today's my birthday. What I can say about my age is that I was 34 once and just beginning my parenting journey which led me to Austin from the Dallas area in 2000. Having raised two wonderful daughters, now in their early 20's, I'm nearing the Grandma end of things. Not too soon, they tell me.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So here's my parenting story: My oldest daughter, Colleen, at age 4 had a problem at preschool that sent her clinging to my leg with K just around the corner. Lucky for me, I bumbled into the world of play therapy at a time when <a href="http://cpt.unt.edu/about-us/meet-our-founder/">Dr. Landreth of UNT</a> was just beginning to teach parents the same skills to use with their own kids in home playtimes. By fall Colleen skipped off to K without looking back! It was magic! </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So I thought, why not try this with 3 YO Betsy? Week by week, her little "you can't make me" rebellion disappeared! The playtimes created such a deep connection that my relationship with both girls remained strong throughout their teen years, even though their friends fell away from their parents all around. In MS both my girls commented separately, "Why don't they feel understood? You understand me." </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The amazing things I learned along the way about how to stay connected with your kids, and best of all how to see them in a way that makes it easy to be patient (me, patient?), were so powerful in my life that I've been sharing them ever since--thus this blog. My drive comes from this thought, "Every parent should have these skills; you shouldn't need therapy to get them." </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So I simplified the approach, started teaching workshops, wrote a little handbook by request called <span style="font-style: italic;">SAY WHAT YOU SEE</span>, and posted a <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html">full free preview</a> online for parents everywhere to read. (Consider it my birthday present to you.) I've held workshops in the Austin area by request since I got here (and in several other cities), and this fall am expanding the training into a real business. My goal is to take this eye-opening training around the world. <span style="font-weight: bold;">You can help me by reading the little book, letting me know what it does for you, and if it speaks to you, passing the link along to others.</span> So far it's gotten surprised responses like, "This really works," to tearful ones like, "It changed my life!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Note: Because of my ability to simplify complicated concepts, I am now also coauthor of <span style="font-style: italic;">Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual</span> with Drs. Landreth, Bratton & Kellam and several pages of my handbook are quoted(!) in Dr. Kellam's book for parents called <span style="font-style: italic;">Parent Survival Guide</span>. Both books are a big hit with play therapists who use them to train parents like me and are available on my <a href="http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources.html">website</a>. You never know where your passion will take you!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So meanwhile, if you need any questions answered, I'm here.</span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-44954976368162893512009-06-15T12:11:00.000-07:002009-06-15T16:24:14.044-07:00Bedtime Motivation Q&A<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:donotoptimizeforbrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --></style><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Question:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;"> This happens occasionally, before bed especially. If we give our kids something to do like clean up their room, brush their teeth, etc., they go to do it, but then I think they get distracted or off focus and start playing with something else.<br /><br />For example, our 7-year old son seems very focused on things like baseball cards to the point that he doesn’t respond when we speak, and our 5-year old daughter seems to have a hard time making herself do things she doesn’t want to do or isn’t good at. What is frustrating is when we tell them, “I see you are playing with your baseball cards and not brushing your teeth,” and it is still hard to get them off of what they are doing and focused on getting ready for bed. It is mainly frustrating because they didn’t listen to what we asked them to do. How do you suggest we approach this?</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Answer:</span> You tried to meet the children where they are by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, but it didn’t seem to be enough. You are right on both counts. SAYing WHAT YOU SEE is the first thing to do, and you need to do <span style="font-style: italic;">more</span>. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Focusing on what children are <span style="font-style: italic;">not doing</span> is very frustrating, so the most important thing to shift in what you are saying is to focus on what the child <span style="font-style: italic;">is doing</span>, and drop what he is not. It’s an odd thing to realize at first, but SAYing WHAT YOU SEE will keep you on track if you remember one thing: you can’t <span style="font-style: italic;">see</span> something that’s <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> happening.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In this case, the child <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> sorting baseball cards after you said it’s time to brush your teeth. Since you can <span style="font-style: italic;">see</span> sorting and <span style="font-style: italic;">cannot see</span> “not brushing teeth,” that’s where you enter the child’s world and connect with understanding as in, “You are sorting those cards after I said it’s time to brush your teeth.” <br /><br />Shifting that one statement allows you to think, “Why would a good kid do that? The answer will disclose a STRENGTH that you can add like, “You must be really focused on getting that done.” One acknowledgment like that can provide the connection needed for the child to respond like, “Yea. I want to finish sorting these, but if I stop, I’ll lose my place.”<br /><br />Now you understand and can help him come up with respectful CAN DOs like, “Must be something you can do to keep your place until you’ve gotten ready for bed. You’ll have ten minutes after that you can use to read with me, or we can read some of these cards while you finish sorting them.” Basically, you approach this by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE <span style="font-style: italic;">is happening</span> then saying more until you can point out a STRENGTH and offer a CAN DO.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One more thing that you might like in working with your focused son is the phrase, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Find a stopping place."</span> You can hear how respectful that is in the way it at once acknowledges the child's intensity of focus and sets a boundary. Any discussion that follows would then be about <span style="font-style: italic;">which</span> stopping place is OK with you or <span style="font-style: italic;">when</span>, instead of about "not stopping." Then when he does stop himself, you can say, “You stopped yourself,” to reinforce the STRENGTH of self-control. Or better yet, since he already seems to be in touch with the STRENGTH of focus, you can build on that by using language </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">to acknowledge his success </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">like, "You <span style="font-style: italic;">shifted your focus</span> to stopping, and look at that. You stopped yourself in a record 2 minutes!" </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For your daughter, since she is motivated to do things she is good at, if you start from where she is by first showing her <span style="font-style: italic;">how</span> she's good at something, it will give her a way to get going. Using the example of teeth brushing, if that's hard for her to do on her own, you can try sitting with her as she brushes and "calling the shots" like a radio announcer pointing out everything she does right like, "Look at you putting your own toothpaste on your brush. You know you wet it first, and there! You got it into your mouth without the toothpaste falling off. Now you're brushing the top teeth, now the bottom. You even got those way back there. No tooth can escape that tooth brush while you’re in charge!" If you do this a couple times with her, it will establish a "success" soundtrack in her head. And, because she likes to do things she is good at, she might even start reminding you when it’s teeth time.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If at some point you decide you don’t want to sit with her anymore, and </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">she has a hard time letting you go, you can come up with CAN DOs like making a recording of you calling the shots for her to play during teeth brushing as a kind of 2-min. timer. You can also try moving away in steps that keep her in touch with her success; for example, call less and less of the "shots" when you are with her, or start calling them from further out the door, then occasionally call one or two as you walk by doing other things. <br /><br />Of course after she’s done brushing, be sure to name the STRENGTHs you saw that would allow her to start and complete the task all by herself like, "You always know when it’s time for teeth brushing. You like getting each and every tooth clean, and you keep brushing until they are all smooth and shiny. That shows you are diligent." We all have soundtracks that play in our heads; we might as well make them positive for our kids whenever we can.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One last thing to validate for kids who like doing things they are good at, is exactly that, "You like doing things you are good at!" Hearing that it's OK to have that kind of motivation is music to a child's ears, and will allow her to focus on becoming good at things, which is what she's already inclined to do, especially with your presence. It's way more productive for kids to spend their energy on becoming good at things than to spin their wheels trying to learn to motivate themselves to do things they’re not good at, when that's not how they work.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Parenting is easiest when you start from where your kids are. </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SAY WHAT YOU SEE and keep saying <span style="font-style: italic;">more</span>.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Any other questions? To comment on this one or ask a new question, click on comments below.</span><br /><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828040434750844895.post-1106964819105808872009-03-17T19:58:00.001-07:002009-03-23T09:30:04.527-07:00Anger CAN DOs<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When a child is angry, SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) sounds like this:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SWYS: "You didn't like that," or "You're really angry!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Often one objective response is enough to keep you from reacting with anger yourself and to create an opening for the child to communicate more.<br /><br />One of the main principles of SAY WHAT YOU SEE is that </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >everything children say and do is a communication; and that they must continue to communicate until heard</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">. This is human nature; so if a child doesn't get to express himself, he will either escalate his actions now or store it up for later. Unheard upsets do not disappear.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Adding CAN DOs helps translate unacceptable words or actions into those that are OK with you. Here's a sample response to a young child's anger:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SWYS: "Sounds like you really want me to know how you feel right now, and boy, do I! I can see how angry you are in your face, and I can hear it in your words!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">CAN DO: "Must be something you can do with all that anger. You can tear up these old newspapers (or hit a bop bag or pillow, etc.)!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If the child would benefit from your presence and continued support, join in and tear them up together. The best moments occur when we can become playful in our interactions with kids. My older daughter used to bounce off walls to lighten the moment for her younger sister who was mad or crying. Kids know what works for kids.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For a parent, playfully sharing the child's feelings with an exaggerated mad face and silly words could work as well: "You are so-o-o-o mad! [Make a mad face, stomp, exaggerate the child's expression.] I'll bet you could pop popcorn with your eyes!" If you do this with humor not sarcasm, the child might join in and the event could become a "mad" contest. You could even get someone to judge who looks and sounds maddest. In any case, just the simple act of playing when a child expects seriousness can make a huge impact and provide the feeling of a shared experience.<br /><br />On the other hand, if your child is very serious about her upset, you will want to respond in kind. This would be the child who is trying to prove a point, so the sooner you understand it, the better. [Note: Understanding is not the same as agreeing. If you'd like to know more about that, let me know.]<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In either case, when the upset is over make sure to go back and add any STRENGTHs you saw, so the child can draw on them next time:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SWYS: "You were really angry."</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">STRENGTH: "It looks like all you needed was a way to express it to calm yourself down."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">SAYing WHAT YOU SEE makes it safe for kids to tell you their side of the story. When they do, listen objectively and SAY WHAT YOU SEE; you'll be surprised how quickly they make sense. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">If not, let me know.</span>Sandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07285666030477055975noreply@blogger.com0