Grabbing Glasses Off Your Face a la Alfie Kohn

There has been a flurry of blog activity on NY Times Motherload following a Sept 15 NY TImes article by Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting. I want to reach Mr. Kohn. Any suggestions would be welcome.

You can help by posting a quick comment about SWYS on Motherload with a link to my website: http:www.languageoflistening.com

The world and Mr. Kohn need to know about the simplicity of SWYS. Thanks - Sandy

Grabbing Glasses Example: Here's the example I posted (comment #122) in response to another parent's comment (#108) that read: "Yeah this will totally work with my 10 month old when she yanks my hair or rips my glasses off my face and flings them to the ground...":

When your 10 month old reaches for your glasses to throw say: "You want to throw! Here's bunny. Throw that!" (Point where it's OK with you to throw it.)

Said with excitement in your voice to match the child's, even a 10 month old will get that you are on his/her side. If you can find something that clatters when it falls, even better. The closer you match what I call the CAN DO to the child's initial action, the more successful you will be at shifting the behavior into something that works for you both.

For example, if the child's intent was more about grabbing something off your face, as silly as it sounds, put something on your face the child can grab & throw ( a little plastic toy that will clatter when it's thrown, or a washcloth which would add the beloved hide & seek game to the play?) and respond with enthusiasm to match the child's when he/she grabs and throws that instead.

Provide the CAN DO a few times and the child will learn the pattern of what's OK with you without punishment or reward.

If the child looks pleased with the throw, you get to add the STRENGTH, "You threw that just the way you wanted to!" Then as your child grows, you can continue to point out fact-based STRENGTHs (NOT opinion-based praise) to help him see his strengths like, "You looked first then threw! That shows you are careful!"

Since children act according to who they believe they are, shifting beliefs permanently shifts behaviors. No punishment, no rewards. Again, just like Mr. Kohn says.

Kohn, Faber & Mazlish, Ginott and I all come from the same place; the difference is that I am a parent, not a psychologist, so I simplified it into a how-to that even I can do.

It has turned out to be the basic 3 steps everyone is asking for. It is always right for the moment and for every child because what you say basically comes from the child. And it always starts with the same thing: SAY WHAT YOU SEE (objective observation).

SAY WHAT YOU SEE (not what you think) to connect and validate;
See something you like, add a STRENGTH;
See something you don't like, offer a CAN DO.

I posted the little SAY WHAT YOU SEE handbook in full on my website to share with other parents around the world, and I invite your readers to take a look at it. Quick read.

As it turns out psychologists love it. Every time I teach it, parents' jaws drop and they say in amazement, "It can't be that easy!" I would love for Mr. Kohn to see it. It completely supports what he and other great psychologists like him have been trying to tell us all along.

Bottom line, it works.

http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html

Stinkin' Veggies!

An Austin Journalist, Martha Wood, interviewed me a couple of weeks back for an attachment parenting article on SAY WHAT YOU SEE for an internet article. In a subsequent blog, she was explaining to her readers how to use SWYS in the case of a child not wanting to eat cauliflower. I expanded on her entry here:

The purpose of SAYing WHAT YOU SEE is to leave children truly feeling understood so they have no need to defend their position, in this case, their tastes. Once children know you understand, you can go on to problem-solving with CAN DOs.

SWYS: "You really don't like that cauliflower! It tastes bad and smells yucky! You don't even want it in the same room with you, and there it is, sitting right there on your plate. And on top of that, somehow you have to find a way to eat it! Man!"
CAN DO: "Hmmm. Must be somewhere I can put it while you figure out a way to eat it without having to taste or smell it."

I don't know how it would work on cauliflower, but my daughter ate her broccoli with ketchup on it for years. It worked for her because she was the one who came up with the solution.

Check your boundaries, then let the child problem-solve to come up with solutions that work for you both. In the example of a distasteful vegetable, could you offer 2 veggie choices at each meal? Or maybe a special veggie-free day each week or month to celebrate your child's other tastes? CAN DO problem-solving at mealtime can take the power struggles out of the kitchen. CAN DOs all the time can take the power struggles out of your life.

FYI: While it has the same roots as Ginott, etc, the SWYS approach is unique in it's simplicity: starting with SWYS (the same thing) every time, finding STRENGTHs in EVERYTHING your kids do (no kidding), and giving you a way to be on your child's side in problem solving with CAN DOs. No rewards or punishment; just pointing out your child's greatness and opening up possibilities. What guidance could be better than that?

Plus, the SWYS approach makes all other relationship-based parent training more accessible. The greats like Ginott, Faber/Mazlish, Kohn, etc. have got the theory; we've got the simple how-to.

Q&A: Cheating Solution

I just responded to a parent on MomConnect.com who asked:

"My 10 year old daughter is in the Kumon math program and we just found out she has been cheating, she was trusted with the answer book and took advantage of it...how do I punish her for it?"

My answer:

Here's a new way to look at it. Cheating, like all behaviors, is actually driven by healthy needs. When you step back and look at what this action is telling you, you can respond differently.

Your surprise at her cheating tells me she is an honest child, and honesty is already important to her. She has already learned that from you, so pat yourself on the back!

Understanding is actually what is needed to keep her on that track. So ask yourself, "What would drive an honest child to cheat?" Pressure to do better than she thinks she could on her own? Not enough time for friends and other things that are important to her?

Whatever it is, understanding it will allow you to work with her to help her find a way to allow her to meet her needs, excel at math, and continue to be the honest kid she already is.

Win - win.

And best of all, you will be using this challenging moment to build trust that will strengthen your relationship with your daughter.