A common problem for parents of preschoolers is what to do when they tell a lie. A recent book, Nurture Shock adds fuel to the fire by saying that all children lie. While this may be statistically true, it's not a very empowering view for parents or children. Try this one instead:
Children turn to lies when they don't have any other way to get what they want or need. But when they know we will help them (without giving up our boundaries), they don't lie. When lying has begun, you can reverse it by helping kids see why they would lie and by giving them an alternative approach.
Little kids are honest to a fault. When asked why they lie to get something, most little children will tell you, "I really wanted it!" It seems plain as day to them. Why else would an honest kid tell a story to get something?
Rather than asking a young child, "Why did you lie?" which leaves the child feeling dishonest, it's up to the parent to help the child find out why an honest kid would feel he or she needed to. When you look at what led up to the lie, there's a good chance that the child had already exhausted all the honest alternatives but none had worked. After asking directly, the child had probably even tried switching the words "I want it," to "I need it," and it still didn't work. After trying these approaches time and time again, what else is a kid to do?
They really don't know, so it is up to us to give them some honest alternatives. Basically, a child lying is a parent's cue to help brainstorm some honest solutions.
Rather than asking a young child, "Why did you lie?" which leaves the child feeling dishonest, it's up to the parent to help the child find out why an honest kid would feel he or she needed to. When you look at what led up to the lie, there's a good chance that the child had already exhausted all the honest alternatives but none had worked. After asking directly, the child had probably even tried switching the words "I want it," to "I need it," and it still didn't work. After trying these approaches time and time again, what else is a kid to do?
They really don't know, so it is up to us to give them some honest alternatives. Basically, a child lying is a parent's cue to help brainstorm some honest solutions.
SAYing WHAT YOU SEE openly and honestly without negative judgment, setting a boundary and offering a CAN DO would sound like this:
SWYS: "You really wanted that and nothing you said or did worked, so you found something that did."
CAN DO: "Making up a story about what you did is not OK with me, but there must be something you can do that is."
Now you brainstorm honest alternatives. For instance, if the rule is one snack a day, and the child wants two, rather than tell you she hadn't had one yet, she could ask for seconds. If seconds are not OK with you today, find a day when they would be OK, or make a special day once a month like "Two-Snack Day." If it's never OK to have 2 snacks, grant her wish in fantasy as in, "You want two today really badly, and you can only have one. Rats! You wish you could have two every day, or even three or four...snacks every where you turn, any time you want, a whole room full of snacks, sweet ones, chocolate ones, crunchy ones, blue ones, orange ones. I know! You can pretend they are everywhere and eat them all!"
By now little ones usually join in, add their own ideas, and keep pretending until they are done. Brainstorming with a child even in pretend shows the child you understand how much she wants something and that it's OK to want it, which believe it or not, is really the point anyway.
By now little ones usually join in, add their own ideas, and keep pretending until they are done. Brainstorming with a child even in pretend shows the child you understand how much she wants something and that it's OK to want it, which believe it or not, is really the point anyway.
A little known truth is that kids must continue to communicate until they are heard. Understanding gets them heard and keeps them from needing to lie in the first place.
There's lots more about CAN DOs in the little SAY WHAT YOU SEE handbook posted online in full. It's a quick read and a simple approach for parents who want more from parenting than just well-behaved kids.
