Saying the Unsaid

I volunteer as a "floater" at a local Sunday School. When kids are having a hard time joining in or for some reason are not getting what they need from the class, I get to pop in and support them. Last Sunday I was called into the 4-5 yr old's room, and as always, SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) changed a difficult moment into a rewarding one.

One little boy was sitting in circle time listening to the teacher with tears in his eyes.  Nothing seemed to go his way. Other kids got to hand out the hearts and be the teacher's helper, but today it wasn't his turn. The teacher looked up when I entered the room and mouthed the words, “He’s having a rough day.”

Two boys playing at the side of the room were called to join in the circle. Our little guy was up in a flash tugging at their shirts to get them to move. I stepped in and said to him:

SWYS:       You want them to come to the circle where they are supposed to be.

CAN DO:    You can join the circle yourself to show them, or you can come sit at the table with me.

One of the two playing boys rejoined the circle, but the other remained. I asked him to find a stopping place. He showed me what he needed to do, finished, and joined the circle. Our little guy came back to the table with me.

Minutes later it was time to turn down the lights for a quick, guided meditation. A child turned off the lights and the teacher lit the candle. Our little guy decided he wanted to blow out the candle at the end, so he rejoined the circle. After the meditation, he blew it out, but several other kids blew with him. He broke into tears and came back to the table with me whining that he wanted to blow out the candle by himself.

Here’s where saying the unsaid makes a big difference.  All I said was:

SWYS:    “You wanted to blow out the candle, but other kids blew it out, too.”
Child:    “And I didn’t get to hand out the hearts or turn off the lights.  I don’t want any body else to do anything!”
SWYS:    “Just you!  You want to do everything yourself!”
Child:    “Yea!”

Feeling completely heard, he dried his eyes, grabbed a marker, and and happily did a maze. The teacher looked over at us, astonished at the difference. By the time he finished, circle time was over. He hopped up and wanted me to replace one of the framed pictures in the room with his maze. We stuck it on the wall beside the framed picture, and even though it wasn’t exactly how he wanted it, he shed no tears. He gave me a happy nod and ran off to play, first by himself then with the other kids.

How often do kids get to hear their wants validated, especially when they want something they can’t have? But when you SAY WHAT YOU SEE, especially in the hard moments, saying the unsaid provides the validation kids need to move on.

Anger CAN DOs

When a child is angry, SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) sounds like this:

SWYS: "You didn't like that," or "You're really angry!"

Often one objective response is enough to keep you from reacting with anger yourself and to create an opening for the child to communicate more.

One of the main principles of SAY WHAT YOU SEE is that everything children say and do is a communication; and that they must continue to communicate until heard. This is human nature; so if a child doesn't get to express himself, he will either escalate his actions now or store it up for later. Unheard upsets do not disappear.

Adding CAN DOs helps translate unacceptable words or actions into those that are OK with you. Here's a sample response to a young child's anger:

SWYS: "Sounds like you really want me to know how you feel right now, and boy, do I! I can see how angry you are in your face, and I can hear it in your words!"
CAN DO: "Must be something you can do with all that anger. You can tear up these old newspapers (or hit a bop bag or pillow, etc.)!"

If the child would benefit from your presence and continued support, join in and tear them up together. The best moments occur when we can become playful in our interactions with kids. My older daughter used to bounce off walls to lighten the moment for her younger sister who was mad or crying. Kids know what works for kids.

For a parent, playfully sharing the child's feelings with an exaggerated mad face and silly words could work as well: "You are so-o-o-o mad! [Make a mad face, stomp, exaggerate the child's expression.] I'll bet you could pop popcorn with your eyes!" If you do this with humor not sarcasm, the child might join in and the event could become a "mad" contest. You could even get someone to judge who looks and sounds maddest. In any case, just the simple act of playing when a child expects seriousness can make a huge impact and provide the feeling of a shared experience.

On the other hand, if your child is very serious about her upset, you will want to respond in kind. This would be the child who is trying to prove a point, so the sooner you understand it, the better. [Note: Understanding is not the same as agreeing. If you'd like to know more about that, let me know.]

In either case, when the upset is over make sure to go back and add any STRENGTHs you saw, so the child can draw on them next time:

SWYS: "You were really angry."
STRENGTH: "It looks like all you needed was a way to express it to calm yourself down."

SAYing WHAT YOU SEE makes it safe for kids to tell you their side of the story. When they do, listen objectively and SAY WHAT YOU SEE; you'll be surprised how quickly they make sense.

If not, let me know.