Q&A: Incessant Crying

I just responded to a dad on cafemom.com who asked:

My 18 month old cries constantly....about EVERYTHING. If she's hungry and we aren't getting the food to her fast enough, she cries. If I am getting her dressed, she cries. I try to do arts and crafts, playing outside, puzzles, reading books....she cries. I have ruled out any physical and/or health issues so that's not it. It's really wearing on me and I don't know what to do. She doesn't understand time outs and she is barely talking. She only says dada, mama, ball, uh-oh and that's pretty much it. I try to encourage her to use her words to tell me what's wrong and she just cries harder.

My answer:

Children that age have lots of things they want to tell us but can't. Imagine yourself in her shoes and say what you would need to hear to feel understood if you were her. An emphatic, "You want that, and you don't want to wait!" with a matching pouty face will go much further than pleading with her to use words she doesn't have when you are getting her food or other things ready. Then add what's so like, "It takes a minute, and you want it to be ready now. It seems like you will never get it. Wow! No wonder it's hard to wait!"

Adding, "There must be something you can do to make waiting more fun. Hmmm..." and making silly suggestions like "You could try a sommersault," or "Here, tear up this napkin. See if that helps," puts you on her side. Suggesting things that are OK with you and return a bit of power to the child can turn the whole thing around and give the child more tools for waiting. When a tiny bit of patience shows up, make a mental note and point it out later when the child is seated with the food and completely calm as in, "You found a way to wait! That shows you have patience!" When kids know they have a strength, they can use it.

Other times when she cries, she probably doesn't know what's wrong, just that something is, so say that, too as in, "Something is wrong!" or "You didn't like that!" or "That's not what you wanted!" adding a stomp of the foot for emphasis or whatever she does when she is frustrated, like follow-the-leader for a minute. Kids respond to simply being heard in amazing ways.

Just remember that if something were wrong that was out of your control and nobody around you understood, crying would be exactly the right coping response. When she is done crying, point out how well it worked as in, "You got all that crying out and now you feel better." It might even help you see crying as a healthy outlet for frustration, not a problem you have to solve.

A free full preview of my little book that tells you how to get more from parenting than just well-behaved kids, SAY WHAT YOU SEE, is posted at www.languageoflistening.com

Sibling Rivalry

Child:     "You always buy her whatever she wants! You never do that for me! You love her more!"

When your child challenges your fairness, remember to to say what the child is feeling without defending your actions. This is harder than it sounds, since we are programmed to defend. But, if a child fusses about unfair treatment and we jump in with all kinds of defenses like, "I bought her those shoes because she needed them," or "The ones you wanted cost too much for our budget," we are in effect validating the problem.

Instead of searching for proof, jump directly to the heart of the issue. SAY WHAT YOU SEE:

SWYS:     "Sounds like you are sure that because I bought her the shoes she wanted I love her more."

The core of sibling rivalry is favoritism. Kid's are sure this is real. And here's a funny thing--when we are afraid to voice our children's fears, we validate those same fears. However, when you can address children's fears head on, they feel reassured. It might sound backwards, but it's true; if it's safe to talk about, it must not be that bad. Kids get very nervous when we can't talk about something. A child's unconscious answer to his  own question, "Why can't Mom or Dad say that?" or "Why do they need reasons or proof?" is "It must be true."

If the child's response to your SWYS statement is, "Yes, you do love her more! You even tuck her in first (or other kinds of proof)..." respond by saying what you see the child feeling until the child feels understood:

SWYS:     "And you noticed I do that, too. I'll bet you notice a lot of things. Sounds like to you it seems I'm always doing more for her than you, and you feel really sad about that. Sometimes I've even heard you say that you wish she had never been born. Wow, it's got to be really hard for you to feel like your Mom [or Dad] loves your sister more!"

Understand that this is a deep sadness that you can't fix by changing your actions, because the problem isn't real in the first place. Since the problem only exists in the child's mind, only the child can fix it. But what you can do is begin building up the child's sense of self by pointing out strength's like:

STRENGTH:     "You've been so brave, feeling all alone and trying to find ways to feel special.  And even though you feel jealous, you still find ways to be nice to your little sister sometimes. Just yesterday, I saw you..."

And then you carry this out into daily life, and watch for other strengths the child shows as he interacts with little sister while overcoming his fear, remembering that the favoritism issue is real for him.

Also, know that a child who compares what you buy, or the minutes you spend, or the size of the slice of pizza to prove you love a sibling more, cannot stop comparing. In the case of my older daughter, instead of telling her to stop, we helped her see comparing as one of her strengths and assigned her to be the one to cut cakes, break cookies, pour milk, etc. Because she was so good at getting things exactly the same, she became our expert comparer and is still the best at dividing things up. The difference is that she is now proud of it instead of embarrassed by it.

One other point here: Check to see that you don't believe you love one child more than the other. If you believe you do, you will find yourself constantly trying to make up for the disparity and your children will pick up on that for sure. They have radars for guilt.

Before you give in to your guilt, consider this. Even if one child is easier for you to enjoy than another (which is true for most parents), and whether or not you realize you love both (or all), and whether or not your parental love registers as an emotion, I still believe that you do love your children. Love is why you even care whether or not they feel loved; and love is what drives you to read articles like this in search of ways to reconnect.

When Needs Appear to Conflict

"How can I provide the support and attention my three-year old needs from me and help him to be more independent at the same time?" is a question that many parents face. (See Aceiatx's question in comment #1 on CAN DOs Work for All Ages)

The short answer is:  Provide support and attention when it's OK with you, and model independence when it's not.

SWYS:     "You are done eating and want me to play with you right now, and I need 5 more minutes to eat. Waiting is hard for you."

CAN DO:   "Must be something you can do so I can finish eating on my own and come play with you."

The child can come up with something to do to make waiting more fun, or you can change when the child waits. For instance:

CAN DO:   "You can start eating after I do so that we finish at the same time."

Then after the child has shown patience or independence while you eat, point that out when you join him in play:

STRENGTH: "You played by yourself while Mommy was eating. That shows you are independent."

or

STRENGTH: "You waited for five minutes while Mommy was eating. That shows you have patience."

The trick here is setting your boundary of finishing your dinner and sticking to it. That is one way of modeling healthy independence that sends the message to your child that he is OK on his own for a while, too.

CAN DOs give you a way to meet your child's needs within your boundaries. Children have three basic needs: experience, connection and power. To know which CAN DOs will work, look for the need. Your biggest clue to the need is what the child is already doing. For instance, the goal of whining and demanding, even at a low level, is control. That points to a need for personal power and explains why support and attention may not be enough and why the Mommy-time children crave often gets pushed beyond connection toward control.

To give a child permission to experience his personal power, you have to give it to yourself first. This is big. The importance of clean, clear, feel-good-about-yourself-boundary setting should not be underestimated in raising kids to be able to do the same. 

Meanwhile, since self-control and self-determination are the root of all power in our lives (not control of others), that is the direction to go with your CAN DOs. You decide what you will do, and he can decide what he will do inside your boundaries until he is old enough to set boundaries for himself.

Preschool Power Struggles

A preschool teacher posted her power struggle dilemma on a Reggio Emilia discussion list. Here's her question and my response:

Q: HELP! Today was the day for power struggles all around, I swear it's contagious. Either that, or they picked up on the fact that I had no sleep last night & was nearly incoherent--hate how well kids can read your current physiological state.

Our #1 power struggle has been consistent with one child, though it was much worse today. He does fine throughout our work periods, plenty of energy (all boy, of course), but the moment it's time to clean up he suddenly becomes very VERY tired and can't possibly help clean up. I've been focusing on giving him very specific, simple tasks so it's not overwhelming (ie. pick up 5 blocks, then you can go take a rest) but even that is too much for him. Today I asked him to take his shoes out of the middle of the floor & put them in the shoe basket, where they should have been in the first place. He plopped himself down on the floor & flat out refused. I tried everything short of time out (pat myself on the back for that because I was SO ready to go there!) with no reponse.

Finally, I asked him to select another task--which he did, but then refused to follow through with, and I let him know that he could choose to do it today during clean up or tomorrow during our work period. Of course he didn't do it, and the mean teacher (me) threw the toys BACK on the floor after picking them up to vacuum so he can clean it up tomorrow. That's as close to following through with a "negative consequence" as I am willing to go, and if he refuses that I don't know what to try next.

#2 Power Struggle: We've also been having group time woes still--I decided against making it a requirement, but now when those children who choose to participate come to the group area the others mingle around the outside rough housing, throwing blocks, and just creating chaos in general--which obviously isn't fair to those who *are* choosing to participate. I'm starting to second guess myself on that one, I'm thinking I will go back to a 'mandatory' 10-15 minute group discussion at the beginning of the day.

I swear they are doing this because they know we have families coming in for trial days the next two sessions, I am totally dreading tomorrow. We *have* to fill at least two more slots in my classgroup, perhaps they are picking up on that stress?

A: You are right. Kids read us far better than we read them.

#1. Putting Away Toys:

One thing I noticed in your description of the first child’s resistance was that he was able to participate throughout the work periods, and briefly again later in selecting another task. His shut down seemed to occur when you gave him specific direction, which he read as control. It seemed the more control you asserted, the more stubborn he got, and the power struggle was on.

To reverse a power struggle, you have to somehow get on the child’s side. To prevent its recurrence, you need to reconnect the child with his natural sense of cooperation. The simplest way to do this is to SAY WHAT YOU SEE, Add STRENGTHs and offer CAN DOs.

SAYing WHAT YOU SEE in the form of an objective observation pops you out of your perspective into the present moment with the child. From this neutral middle ground, you can more easily step into the child’s perspective, show him his hidden STRENGTHs, and support him in problem-solving with CAN DOs.

In the scene you described, my guess is that the boy was feeling a lot like you were feeling–-tired and in need of regenerating a sense of personal power. His feigned need “tired” was his way of telling you his real need was “power.”

If you had been able to sit with him for a moment, objectively observe the scattered blocks together, and then comment on how huge any task appears when you are tired, you would’ve taken a huge step toward building a connection with the child and comforting yourself. You would be making both yourself and the child right at the same time, which is the first step in shifting a power struggle into cooperation.

SAYing WHAT YOU SEE might’ve sounded like, “Wow! Look at all those blocks! There’s one way over there, and one, two, three in a pile there. And there’s more there. And look at that. Your arm is so tired you can hardly lift it. This is a daunting task! (Kids like big words.) And somehow all of these blocks have to be put away. Hmmmm. That’s a tough one.”

As you step into the tired child’s perspective and ponder the overwhelming task together, listen for any type of connection or cooperation he shows like demonstrating how tired his legs are, too, or pointing out the blocks you missed, or joining in the count, etc. To deepen the connection and build his sense of personal power, point out any STRENGTHs he demonstrates along the way like, “You spotted that one over there,” or “Looks like you kept track of all the blocks, even when they were scattered,” or “You found every one,” or “You knew what color that one was,” or “You just counted to four,” etc.

When you begin to hear some level of cooperation, you can shift into problem solving with a CAN DO like, “It seems like an impossible task to get all of them put away with arms that are too tired to lift and legs that are too tired to run, but hmmmm, must be some way to get that done so you can finally get to rest.”

If he doesn’t answer right away, get ready to initiate some imaginative problem solving with a fun or silly suggestion like, “Maybe your eyes still work. You could try looking at them really hard and seeing if you can move them with your eyes.” If he shakes his head or says that’s silly, point out the STRENGTH, “You knew that wouldn’t work.” Then try again, “Well, hmmm, maybe your nose then. You might be able to scoot them into a pile with your nose like a dog…” by now most kids will either try your CAN DO or start coming up with some of their own.

Play along with whatever he decides. Even if you have to attend to something else and come back, stay engaged with him and keep pointing out his STRENGTHs. If he just can’t do it at all or asks for help, go with that. “You just can’t find a way to do it yourself. Wow, you are tired! But, even though your body is too tired, your brain still figured out a way to get the job done – asking for help! That shows clear thinking!”

Calling for volunteers feels very supportive for kids and helps build a sense of community in the classroom. In addition, the boy could participate by “using his brain” to direct the clean-up like a Simon Says game or something else that would build his power in a way that’s OK with you. At the conclusion, you would be able to SAY WHAT YOU SEE and point out the STRENGTH “cooperation” that you just saw demonstrated by him and the others working together to get the task done.

Some teachers worry that meeting one child’s needs will cause other children to copy the same behavior, but what actually happens is that it simply makes the classroom emotionally safer for all of the kids. Fewer feigned complaints and more cooperation are the results.

#2. Group Participation:

Because children act according to who they believe they are, shifting beliefs, shifts behaviors permanently. Providing children with moments of success connects them with their STRENGTHs as you are doing by limiting group time to 10-15 minutes. But as you noted, group participation of this type works for many preschoolers, but not all.

It seems that some children feel like they disappear when they join into a group, so asking them to sit and do what the rest of the children are doing won’t work. To provide those children with success in participation, you can find participation in what they are already doing by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE and pointing out that STRENGTH.

For example, to the child throwing blocks outside the circle you could SAY WHAT YOU SEE and add a STRENGTH like this, “You’re throwing blocks over there and everybody is hearing you. That’s your way of participating separately. You are doing something on your own that includes the rest of the class!” Similarly, you could point out to the wrestling kids that they enjoy participating with each other.

Changing group time from discussion time into more of a “circus” time for a while where the children get to perform separately or together might be a good CAN DO for reengaging kids who are more active than verbal. That way even the more active children could hear the STRENGTH participation and begin to see it in themselves, as in, “You just jumped up and down for the other children (or you two just showed us arm wrestling). That’s how you like to participate!”

When children experience participation in a way that works for them, they begin to see themselves as part of the group instead of as outsiders. It’s this shift in belief that allows children to join in willingly.

So many possibilities open up when you reverse power struggles by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, find STRENGTHs where there didn’t seem to be any, and offer CAN DOs instead of control. Imagine the warm and fuzzy impression these types of interactions would make on visiting parents. But best of all, imagine the difference they would make in children’s lives!

If you’d like to learn more about using SAY WHAT YOU SEE to bring out the greatness in children and open possibilities for them in life, the little handbook is posted in full online at www.languageoflistening.com.

Preteen Attitude

I just responded to a parent on MomConnect.com who asked:

"...My daughter is 11 we to have separate families her father and I separated when she was very young. I am now married with two other children ages 6 and 1. At my house we have rules and we have guidelines we have stability. At her father's house it is really no rules single bachelor dad. Where she pretty much has free to everything and anything. And she pretty much is taking on the role of taking care of him. In her eyes her dad could do no wrong he is her everything. And when she looks at me I am just evil! I tell her what to do! I make her clean her room etc. I know that what I am doing is allowing her to be a child and trying to do the best that I can to show her boundaries. How to learn to not take her attitude toward me so personally and let it hurt me so bad? I don't think that how things are in her dad's home are wrong they are just different but she seems to think that my household is bad she should have free to all..."

My Answer:

You are obviously concerned and want to do the right thing for your daughter, no matter what. That is bold parenting! And you can do it much more easily when you see the world from the child's point of view first.

You have a child who has the unfortunate role of taking care of an adult and setting her own boundaries during childhood. The more you are able to step inside of her shoes, the better the connection between the two of you will become, and the more she will be able to be a kid and listen to you.

Imagine having to be a responsible adult at age 11, and you don't know how, but you know you have to succeed no matter what! (Wow! Big challenges!) Plus your mom has two more kids who don't have to deal with what you have to deal with in life. You would probably be sure no one really understands--thus the attitude.

You would certainly have to become independent and self-directed to the extreme because your reality is that you have to make all of your decisions on your own. With that kind of pressure, you could not afford to be wrong.

You are right that allowing her to be a child again is what she needs, but very hard to do when her great work in life right now is to be something she is afraid she cannot be--an adult.

If you acknowledge her need to be treated like an adult, her resistance to being mothered will begin to drop off. You can start by really listening openly to her feelings about the differences between your households and validating her experience at her dad's. (Yes, put your feelings aside for this part.) Then point out the strengths she's developed like self-directed and independent (even though they often don't seem like strengths at your house). In understanding that she's right to feel what she feels, you will rebuild the missing connection between you based on respecting how things are for her now. You create respect, by modeling respect.

Then you can honestly share your feelings and even your distress over how things have gone for her, state the boundaries at your house (I'm the Mom here and will model how it's done, so it will be easier for you to do at Dad's), then inside your boundaries work together to create the kind of experience she needs to succeed at your house and his. Be sure to point out her strengths and cooperation whenever they show up.

Trying to help her be a child when she thinks she can't afford to be, will only build resistance and attitude. Listening and supporting her in mastering the challenge in front of her will help her see that you are on her side and prepare her to handle anything life dishes out. Isn't that the job of mothering anyway?

Grabbing Glasses Off Your Face a la Alfie Kohn

There has been a flurry of blog activity on NY Times Motherload following a Sept 15 NY TImes article by Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting. I want to reach Mr. Kohn. Any suggestions would be welcome.

You can help by posting a quick comment about SWYS on Motherload with a link to my website: http:www.languageoflistening.com

The world and Mr. Kohn need to know about the simplicity of SWYS. Thanks - Sandy

Grabbing Glasses Example: Here's the example I posted (comment #122) in response to another parent's comment (#108) that read: "Yeah this will totally work with my 10 month old when she yanks my hair or rips my glasses off my face and flings them to the ground...":

When your 10 month old reaches for your glasses to throw say: "You want to throw! Here's bunny. Throw that!" (Point where it's OK with you to throw it.)

Said with excitement in your voice to match the child's, even a 10 month old will get that you are on his/her side. If you can find something that clatters when it falls, even better. The closer you match what I call the CAN DO to the child's initial action, the more successful you will be at shifting the behavior into something that works for you both.

For example, if the child's intent was more about grabbing something off your face, as silly as it sounds, put something on your face the child can grab & throw ( a little plastic toy that will clatter when it's thrown, or a washcloth which would add the beloved hide & seek game to the play?) and respond with enthusiasm to match the child's when he/she grabs and throws that instead.

Provide the CAN DO a few times and the child will learn the pattern of what's OK with you without punishment or reward.

If the child looks pleased with the throw, you get to add the STRENGTH, "You threw that just the way you wanted to!" Then as your child grows, you can continue to point out fact-based STRENGTHs (NOT opinion-based praise) to help him see his strengths like, "You looked first then threw! That shows you are careful!"

Since children act according to who they believe they are, shifting beliefs permanently shifts behaviors. No punishment, no rewards. Again, just like Mr. Kohn says.

Kohn, Faber & Mazlish, Ginott and I all come from the same place; the difference is that I am a parent, not a psychologist, so I simplified it into a how-to that even I can do.

It has turned out to be the basic 3 steps everyone is asking for. It is always right for the moment and for every child because what you say basically comes from the child. And it always starts with the same thing: SAY WHAT YOU SEE (objective observation).

SAY WHAT YOU SEE (not what you think) to connect and validate;
See something you like, add a STRENGTH;
See something you don't like, offer a CAN DO.

I posted the little SAY WHAT YOU SEE handbook in full on my website to share with other parents around the world, and I invite your readers to take a look at it. Quick read.

As it turns out psychologists love it. Every time I teach it, parents' jaws drop and they say in amazement, "It can't be that easy!" I would love for Mr. Kohn to see it. It completely supports what he and other great psychologists like him have been trying to tell us all along.

Bottom line, it works.

http://www.languageoflistening.com/swys1.html

Children Don't Back Away; They Back Up for a Running Leap

You’re in the park with your two children watching the water trickling along a small stream. Your toddler’s eyes gleam as you take his hands and jump him over it. “Again, again!” he cries completely delighted with his success. Meanwhile, your kindergarten daughter sees a wider place downstream, backs way up to take a running leap, and...

Where do they learn that? Children seem to innately know that backing up builds up steam. The bigger the challenge, the further they back up; and they only run forward when they think they can succeed. Kids are wired for success.

So there she goes, up, over and plunk. Into the mud – muddy shoes, muddy knees, muddy hands. She looks up at you and starts to cry. What do you say?

A cautious parent who thinks the child shouldn’t have tried in the first place might say, “Now look what you‘ve done. You’re a mess. You should’ve known better.” A “get back on your horse” parent who thinks the child might give up will say, “Stop crying. You’re not hurt. Wipe off your hands and try again. Go on; you can do it.”

The missing element in both of these responses is what the child thinks. If the child thinks she can, and you say she can’t, she is likely to rebel with a reckless, “I’ll show you!” Or if she thinks she can’t, and you make her try, she is likely to show you with a, “See, I can’t either!” kind of attempt. She has to because children must communicate what they think and feel until they are heard. That’s why following the child’s lead and saying what you see is always the right choice.

It’s easy to do when you understand the running leap theory. Think about what kids do when we are not around. They try to wipe off the mud on their own (evidence muddy shirts and pant legs), cry until they are done, then start looking for something to do to make themselves feel better. Making oneself feel better is the first step in building up steam for the next try.

What if you knew that even crying is the child’s way of beginning to build up steam for the next running leap? If you did, it would be much easier to SAY WHAT YOU SEE like:

SWYS: “You’re crying. You really wanted to do that. You backed way up and tried really hard, then plop. Right in the mud. You didn’t like that at all. You were surprised at first, then disappointed. Now you’re sooo sad.”

Child: “I can’t do it!”

SWYS: “You really wanted to jump that part of the stream, and it didn’t work. That’s really frustrating! You wish you could just sail right over it, then off you’d go to do it again, and again!”

Even an, “I can’t do it,” won’t ruffle you, as long as you know that tears and verbalizing fears are important ways to release frustration. The freedom to say, “I can’t do it,” allows kids to try again.

Children innately know this.They all do it. Release is the first step in recharging for the next attempt. So there it is; without any prodding, from the very moment of incomplete success, the child begins “backing up” to build up steam. SAYing WHAT YOU SEE merely speeds them on their way.

The next thing children often do is replay thoughts of the jump going right. Saying what the child wishes as above helps them along. Visualizing success as wishes is another version of “Again, again!” that adds more steam.

Children also replay past successes in thoughts, stories or actions; switch to another task or game they are good at; or take smaller challenges they know they can master – over and over. This is not avoidance; it is the child setting exactly the right level of challenge for success. Again, children innately know that success is the best steam of all. The greater the challenge, the more steam they need. When children experience enough success, they raise the bar on their own.

Knowing this, you can be confident your daughter is on the right track. When you are coming from a place of confidence, you can dry her eyes, say what you see, and watch with anticipation for what she will do next.

And there it is – the first step back. She goes over to the trickle and tries to show her little brother how it’s done. In teaching him how to back up first to build up steam, she is doing it herself. Over and over, she’s recharging her confidence.

When we follow their lead, children naturally combine the two approaches of caution and “get back on the horse” at a pace that is right for them. They increase the speed themselves when you SAY WHAT YOU SEE:

SWYS: “You’re jumping over that part of the stream; showing your little brother how it’s done.”

STRENGTH:“You know backing up first and taking a running leap sends you further. Look at you go! You jumped it again and again landing solidly on your feet.”

Child: “But this one’s easy.”

SWYS: “Sounds like you comparing this jump to the big one. You’re wishing the big one would be easy like this one.”

Child: “Yea. The big one has muddy sides.”

STRENGTH:“So you already figured out the difference.”

Child: “Next time, I think I need to run faster and jump higher.

CAN DO: “That’s an idea. You can test it out over here where it’s drier.”

Once children begin thinking of ways to make something work, it’s just a matter of time until they try again. SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, adding STRENGTHs and offering CAN DOs propels them forward. Then before you know it, whether it’s this visit to the park or the next, you can count on them returning to the big leap without any prodding at all. They have to. They’re wired for success.

Note from the author: The little SAY WHAT YOU SEE handbook is posted in full on my website. My intention is to share with the world eye-opening concepts like these that lead you from traditional listening to a deeper listening that starts with your eyes and ends with your heart. SAY WHAT YOU SEE is a simple, down-to-earth approach that changes every moment with a child into a rewarding one. By reading the handbook and passing it on to others with children in their lives, you are helping me change the world for all children, one family at a time.

Sandy

Bedtime Motivation Q&A

Question: This happens occasionally, before bed especially. If we give our kids something to do like clean up their room, brush their teeth, etc., they go to do it, but then I think they get distracted or off focus and start playing with something else.

For example, our 7-year old son seems very focused on things like baseball cards to the point that he doesn’t respond when we speak, and our 5-year old daughter seems to have a hard time making herself do things she doesn’t want to do or isn’t good at. What is frustrating is when we tell them, “I see you are playing with your baseball cards and not brushing your teeth,” and it is still hard to get them off of what they are doing and focused on getting ready for bed. It is mainly frustrating because they didn’t listen to what we asked them to do. How do you suggest we approach this?

Answer: You tried to meet the children where they are by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, but it didn’t seem to be enough. You are right on both counts. SAYing WHAT YOU SEE is the first thing to do, and you need to do more.

Focusing on what children are not doing is very frustrating, so the most important thing to shift in what you are saying is to focus on what the child is doing, and drop what he is not. It’s an odd thing to realize at first, but SAYing WHAT YOU SEE will keep you on track if you remember one thing: you can’t see something that’s not happening.

In this case, the child is sorting baseball cards after you said it’s time to brush your teeth. Since you can see sorting and cannot see “not brushing teeth,” that’s where you enter the child’s world and connect with understanding as in, “You are sorting those cards after I said it’s time to brush your teeth.”

Shifting that one statement allows you to think, “Why would a good kid do that? The answer will disclose a STRENGTH that you can add like, “You must be really focused on getting that done.” One acknowledgment like that can provide the connection needed for the child to respond like, “Yea. I want to finish sorting these, but if I stop, I’ll lose my place.”

Now you understand and can help him come up with respectful CAN DOs like, “Must be something you can do to keep your place until you’ve gotten ready for bed. You’ll have ten minutes after that you can use to read with me, or we can read some of these cards while you finish sorting them.” Basically, you approach this by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE is happening then saying more until you can point out a STRENGTH and offer a CAN DO.

One more thing that you might like in working with your focused son is the phrase, "Find a stopping place." You can hear how respectful that is in the way it at once acknowledges the child's intensity of focus and sets a boundary. Any discussion that follows would then be about which stopping place is OK with you or when, instead of about "not stopping." Then when he does stop himself, you can say, “You stopped yourself,” to reinforce the STRENGTH of self-control. Or better yet, since he already seems to be in touch with the STRENGTH of focus, you can build on that by using language to acknowledge his success like, "You shifted your focus to stopping, and look at that. You stopped yourself in a record 2 minutes!"

For your daughter, since she is motivated to do things she is good at, if you start from where she is by first showing her how she's good at something, it will give her a way to get going. Using the example of teeth brushing, if that's hard for her to do on her own, you can try sitting with her as she brushes and "calling the shots" like a radio announcer pointing out everything she does right like, "Look at you putting your own toothpaste on your brush. You know you wet it first, and there! You got it into your mouth without the toothpaste falling off. Now you're brushing the top teeth, now the bottom. You even got those way back there. No tooth can escape that tooth brush while you’re in charge!" If you do this a couple times with her, it will establish a "success" soundtrack in her head. And, because she likes to do things she is good at, she might even start reminding you when it’s teeth time.

If at some point you decide you don’t want to sit with her anymore, and she has a hard time letting you go, you can come up with CAN DOs like making a recording of you calling the shots for her to play during teeth brushing as a kind of 2-min. timer. You can also try moving away in steps that keep her in touch with her success; for example, call less and less of the "shots" when you are with her, or start calling them from further out the door, then occasionally call one or two as you walk by doing other things.

Of course after she’s done brushing, be sure to name the STRENGTHs you saw that would allow her to start and complete the task all by herself like, "You always know when it’s time for teeth brushing. You like getting each and every tooth clean, and you keep brushing until they are all smooth and shiny. That shows you are diligent." We all have soundtracks that play in our heads; we might as well make them positive for our kids whenever we can.

One last thing to validate for kids who like doing things they are good at, is exactly that, "You like doing things you are good at!" Hearing that it's OK to have that kind of motivation is music to a child's ears, and will allow her to focus on becoming good at things, which is what she's already inclined to do, especially with your presence. It's way more productive for kids to spend their energy on becoming good at things than to spin their wheels trying to learn to motivate themselves to do things they’re not good at, when that's not how they work.

Parenting is easiest when you start from where your kids are. SAY WHAT YOU SEE and keep saying more.

Any other questions? To comment on this one or ask a new question, click on comments below.

Anger CAN DOs

When a child is angry, SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) sounds like this:

SWYS: "You didn't like that," or "You're really angry!"

Often one objective response is enough to keep you from reacting with anger yourself and to create an opening for the child to communicate more.

One of the main principles of SAY WHAT YOU SEE is that everything children say and do is a communication; and that they must continue to communicate until heard. This is human nature; so if a child doesn't get to express himself, he will either escalate his actions now or store it up for later. Unheard upsets do not disappear.

Adding CAN DOs helps translate unacceptable words or actions into those that are OK with you. Here's a sample response to a young child's anger:

SWYS: "Sounds like you really want me to know how you feel right now, and boy, do I! I can see how angry you are in your face, and I can hear it in your words!"
CAN DO: "Must be something you can do with all that anger. You can tear up these old newspapers (or hit a bop bag or pillow, etc.)!"

If the child would benefit from your presence and continued support, join in and tear them up together. The best moments occur when we can become playful in our interactions with kids. My older daughter used to bounce off walls to lighten the moment for her younger sister who was mad or crying. Kids know what works for kids.

For a parent, playfully sharing the child's feelings with an exaggerated mad face and silly words could work as well: "You are so-o-o-o mad! [Make a mad face, stomp, exaggerate the child's expression.] I'll bet you could pop popcorn with your eyes!" If you do this with humor not sarcasm, the child might join in and the event could become a "mad" contest. You could even get someone to judge who looks and sounds maddest. In any case, just the simple act of playing when a child expects seriousness can make a huge impact and provide the feeling of a shared experience.

On the other hand, if your child is very serious about her upset, you will want to respond in kind. This would be the child who is trying to prove a point, so the sooner you understand it, the better. [Note: Understanding is not the same as agreeing. If you'd like to know more about that, let me know.]

In either case, when the upset is over make sure to go back and add any STRENGTHs you saw, so the child can draw on them next time:

SWYS: "You were really angry."
STRENGTH: "It looks like all you needed was a way to express it to calm yourself down."

SAYing WHAT YOU SEE makes it safe for kids to tell you their side of the story. When they do, listen objectively and SAY WHAT YOU SEE; you'll be surprised how quickly they make sense.

If not, let me know.